Professors Make The Best Matchmakers!
by master of random disaster
Summary: The Hogwarts Professors have had it! During Lily's and James' final year at school, the teachers are determined to getting them together if it is the last thing they do. Albus’ betting pool swells to epic proportions as chaos and pandemonium ensue!
1. The Conspiracy Begins

A bit of fluff, humor and pointlessness on James and Lily in their 7th year. Written on spur of the moment by the whim of an anti-study student (**A/N**: That's me!)

**Inspired By English Class... in the worst way!** I was sitting in my English Class this morning, and out of nowhere, it suddenly occurred to my why teachers should never try to relate to the social life of their students. That thought would occur to you, too, if your teacher compared her boyfriend to yours!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

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_"How do you save your enemy from drowning? Easy! Take your foot off his/her head!"_

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**CHAPTER 1: THE CONSPIRACY BEGINS**

Albus Dumbledore was annoyed.

It was a rare occurrence; Albus being peeved like so, but an occurrence all the same.

The source of his annoyance could only be triggered by one thing.

Actually, two things.

Really it was 3 things, but only two irked him at the present time.

And he wasn't the only sufferer of this plague of bothersome annoyance either...

"Bloody Hell! Why don't those two just get together all ready!"

...he was just a little better about not showing it was all.

"Why don't they just admit that they are completely nuts for each other, and let the rest of us have some peace already?" Minerva McGonagall roared in the staff lounge. This exclamation was met by cheers of approval and agreement by the rest of the faculty.

"Now, now Minerva," Dumbledore reprimanded gently. "We must not meddle in our student's affairs." As he said this, however, his insides were screaming _'YESSSSSSSSS! Yesssssss- musssssssst- meddel- musssssst interfere- my preeeeeeciousssssss...'_ opps! Wrong story! Moving on.

"But Albus! It is our duty as teachers to teach! And if anyone needs to be taught, it's those two! They are the only ones in the whole blasted school that can't put two and two together and get four!" the Muggle Studies Professor, Orlanda Hyphianne, exclaimed. This was followed by a few blank looks. She rolled her eyes, exasperatedly at her colleges. "Muggle phrase," she explained. "It means, they are the only people in Hogwarts that cannot get it threw their thick skulls that they are _hopelessly_ in love with each other!"

Another round of cheers greeted this statement.

"And now the question that we are all thinking," mused the Defense Professor, Ashleigh Silvers, as she leaned back on her chair's two rear legs. "What are we going to do about it?"

The group all fell into a collective silence, thinking it over in their heads.

Tired of playing the mature adult of the group, but still sensing that he was going to regret it, Albus spoke up. "We shall do what all great wizards do when faced with a difficult decision." Seeing he had their attention, Albus continued in that slow, thoughtful and serious way. "We shall... flip a coin, and bet on the results!"

The Hogwarts professors let out a triumphant cackle in unison at this plan.

Reaching into his pocket, Albus brought out a bronze knut. "(_Cackle cackle cackle_) Okay! Heads, we will be ethically correct, and keep our noses out of our students' business, and let them work it out for themselves. Tails, we make every excuse in the book, and some to embarrassing to be written down, to get those two to spend as much time together as we can possibly manage inside our classes. Since I don't have a class, I will use the excuse as them being Head Boy and Girl to force them to spend extra time together. Everyone got it?" Albus looked around at the nodding teachers, and then back at the coin sitting in his hand.

He tossed it in the air, and watched its progress. Little did he know, there was a conspiracy afoot.

You see, morally correct did not bode well with the Professors of Hogwarts school when it came to these two particular students. Unbeknownst to him, the Defense Professor acted on their dislike of just watching idly, and subtly poked her wand out of her sleeve. She cast a Non-Verbal Cheating Spell as the coin sailed back towards Albus' waiting hand.

Professor Silvers smiled innocently as he glanced over at her. Albus saw her cast the spell, but pretended not to, because secretly, he really did want to give the two students a gentle push in the right direction.

"Tails it is!" Albus said cheerfully, after glancing at his hand, to keep up appearances. Besides, at least _now_ he could say he had _tried_ to be fair.

"Imagine that!" exclaimed Ashleigh dramatically as her colleges giggled.

"And now to act upon our second proposal! We must bet!" Yet another cheer was let out from the group. "The Arithmancy Professor must hold the Betting Pool, of course!"

Aaron Heldings, the Arithmancy Professor in question, immediately jumped in to establish the Pool. "Lets start with some ground rules:

**1.) No betting over 50 Galleons, for counting sake. **

**2.) No one outside us Professors are allowed to place bets! The students can get their own Betting Pool. **

**3.) Under NO circumstances may anyone tell them about this! If someone tells, so help me, I will come after that person with all the vengeance of 20 rampaging rhinos!** "-Here there was an outburst of agreement and similar death threats-"

**4.) No one can outright shove them into a broom cupboard, or anything as unsubtle as that. **

"Everyone got it?" There was a murmur of assent threw the crowd. Professor Heldings beamed, and continued. "Good! Now: let Operation: Get-Lily-Evens-and-James-Potter-together-before-we-all-loose-our-sanity-or-what-is-left-of-it, commence!"

The teachers all cackled, and swarmed around the Arithmancy Professor to make their bets.

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Tada! What do you think? Love it? Hate it? Should I continue? Read and Review!

**Master of random disaster **


	2. No One Has The Lung Capacity To Say It

**kittens0020**: Ahhh my gosh! I was really spelling the word _Professor _wrong? That was on the title of this story and _everything_! And I was blaming my English teacher for giving me a bad grade. (Groans with embarrassment.) I didn't think I was _that_ bad of a speller, but misspelling something as first-grade as _Professor _really is the final straw. I am going to comb each chapter I posts 3 times for spelling errors. Thank you so much for pointing this out. If you didn't, we would still have this story's _title_ spelt wrong.

**PoE-dA-hOe**: Thanks! Glad you like it as much as I love writing it!

**Caramellxkissx**: You're right. It's not just your pet peeve either, ironically enough, it's mine, too. I don't like others to misspell things, so as fate would have it, I myself can't spell anything to save my life.

**ChoklatCheriCheesekuchen**: I was laughing when I wrote it, so I'm glad you think so too or else I would just be that one sad person who laughs at their own jokes, but no one else does, and I get that enough at school. Love your name, too. And cool! We share the same catch phrase! 'Mahwah!' I also have another, but if I go into to much more detail about it, an angry mob will attack me for annoying them to death. But it's on my lookup!

**Shang Warrior Phoenix**: Thank you very much, and I shall honor that request right now!

So, due to request and my continued desire to find an excuse not to study, here is chapter 2!

**Disclaimer**: Talk to J.K! I own nothing but the people you don't recognize.

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**CHAPTER 2: Operation: Get-Lily-Evens-and-James-Potter-together-before-we-all-loose-our-sanity-or-what-is-left-of-it**

The next day at breakfast, we find the subjects of last night's discussion seated at the Gryffindor Table:

**XXXX**

**/Halfway down the Gryffindor Table**

**XXXX**

Sirius Black was disturbed

Well, not really. He was actually in a relatively sane state of mind...

"Padfoot? Why are you putting mustard in your pumpkin juice?"

...Though that was debatable. But that wasn't the point. The point was, something was _off_ about the Professors today...

"Padfoot? Are you with us?" Sirius turned slowly to face Remus, who had addressed him.

"Yeah... I was just thinking-" Remus and James both spat out what they were eating in unison, causing many people to stare.

"YOU WERE _THINKING_?" They both exclaimed.

"Owl the Daily Prophet!" James cried.

"Everyone run!" agreed Remus. "It's a sign of the Apocalypse as we know-"

"Hey! I _do_ think!" Sirius stated indignantly. James and Remus exchanged doubtful looks.

"Now _as_ I was _saying_!" Sirius continued, with the air of wounded pride. "I was just thinking that there is something _strange_ about the Professors this morning. I just can't figure out what it is... did Professor Slughorn get a haircut? Or perhaps Minnie got a new hat? Or-"

He was again interrupted, only this time by a loud _Whoop!-_ing noise that came from the Head Table.

Remus tuned out his friend's rambling in favor of glancing at the Staff Table to see what the ruckus was, and what Sirius was going on about.

He did a double take.

"Moony," he heard James say solemnly.

"Yes?" Remus asked, in similar tones.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but are our teachers _cackling_?" James asked, incredulously.

Remus considered for a moment, before responding, "Yes. I believe they are, Prongs."

"Oh." James slumped in his seat after a moment. "Why do I feel like I'm doomed?"

"Probably because you are, Prongsie!" stated Sirius cheerfully, reaching over, and grabbing a kipper off James' plate.

"Should I run?" James asked seriously (A/N: If you'll pardon the pun).

Sirius scoffed. "They're _Professors_, Prongsie. You should know by now that running is futile."

James Potter groaned, and banged his head hard on the table. _Thump_. Repeatedly.

**XXXX**

**/At the same time at the end of the Gryffindor Table, closest to the Head Table**

**XXXX**

Natasha Merrina frowned as she leaned over to speak to her best friends Lily Evans, Aurora Gildings, and Sasha Ternfeild. "Guys, why do our teachers look so... err, what's the word for it-?"

"-_Evil_?" supplied Aurora. The others nodded in agreement.

As if to prove the point, a loud _Whoop!-_ing call was heard from the Head Table. Lily and her friends looked up in alarm to see all the Professors present staring gleefully at the Gryffindor Table.

"Did Professor _Hyphianne_ just _whoop_?" asked Aurora blankly.

"And why are they looking _this_ way? I bet they're looking at the _Marauders_," Lily muttered, pronouncing the name _Marauders_ with distain. Her friends all rolled their eyes.

"Don't try to play that, Lily. You _so_ like James Potter!" giggled Sasha, the bubbly member of the group.

"I do not! He is the world's biggest prat! His head is so _swollen_-" Lily ranted, but Natasha, forgetting about her Professor's strangeness for the moment, smiled slyly.

"Correction, his head _used_ to be big. He has really gotten over himself during the summer. Besides, he's _ultra_ cute, and _so_ into you, my dear Lilykins!" The girls all giggled over this, and Lily sulked. A loud _thump-_ing noise got their attention.

Looking around, they saw that the source of the noise was originating from the boy they had just been discussing. They watched as he knocked his forehead on the table, while the two other Marauders looked on sympathetically.

"See, Lily," said Natasha cheerfully. "He even looks cute when he's thumping his head against a table!"

Lily's only response to this was an exasperated noise in the back of her throat.

**XXXX**

**/Not so far away at the Head Table**

**XXXX**

Albus cackled.

He really couldn't help it. He was going to solve 2 out of his 3 annoyances very, very soon.

He was so excited he had the audacity to cackle again, and popped a Lemon Drop in his mouth for good measure.

Albus nearly cackled a third time, but refrained from doing so as he noticed the odd looks the Professors were receiving from the student population.

"Whooooooowwww!"

...Unfortunately, not everyone had such restraint.

Albus looked around exasperatedly at the other Professors, who were all giving the excitable Orlanda looks of amusement. Albus sighed as he figured that she had been the one to make the _Whoop!-_ing noise.

How_ immature_.

Albus suddenly heard a dull, repeated _Thump_ echoing threw the Great Hall. It turned out to be James Potter, banging his head on the tabletop. Albus couldn't help but notice that Lily Evans was glaring at him as he did so.

The sight was far to amusing to ignore.

He cackled again.

Yes. This was going to be _fun_.

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There is Chapter 2! Doesn't have too much action. Just builds up the insanity of it all. Read and Review please! Hope you all like! I will post again when people have reviewed, and have let me know that someone is reading it, and that I am _not_ typing to myself... which would be rather pathetic.


	3. I Know Our Professors Didn't Just NOOOO

Hey all! Some what's up to all my reviewers!

**ChoklatCheriCheesekuchen: **I did get a beta, coincidentally. That's why I had to wait until after Memorial Day until I could post, since she was on vacation. Her name is **I Was a Teenage Flobberworm**. She isn't an active writer; she just reads and reviews other people's FF's, so she doesn't come up in the Pen Name search from what I can tell. But her E-Mail is on my lookup in the _Credits Corner_ if you want to contact her about Beta-ing or I don't know what else. She has agreed to Beta both this story and my other one, Redemption: Second Chances, so I want to give a quick shout-out to her for being so awesome!

**Shang Warrior Phoenix**: We shall see if y'all like it as much I as liked writing it!

**Pip-2250**: Devious... Hmmm... I like that word! Devious really sums it up! I hope you stay on the lookout for more chapters here!

**PoE-dA-hOe:** (groans) yah, I give up for sure now for spelling. I now have a beta, and she can deal with it, because if I can't spell a word like Gryffindor, then there is no hope for me! Thanks for letting me know!

**Lady Merlin**: Thank you very much! Love your enthusiasm! Hope my random sense of humor can live up to your great review!

**Amaya713:** _(giggles)_ Yeah, the Albus in this story makes me cackle. And, yes! I was wondering if anyone was going to call me on that, since I didn't explain it much. Minnie McGonagall people! They gave her a nickname is all. I heard the nickname used so many times on this site, it really stuck with me! And I thought this would be a good place to use the nickname.

So all! There we go! Questions and comments answered, thanks for the reviews! Onward to victory!

**Disclaimer:** Got to go by the book, after all! Speaking of which, I own nothing! Just a few teachers and students that you don't recognize!

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**CHAPTER 3: I _Know_ Our Teachers Didn't Just..._Nooo_...**

**XXXX**

**At The Head Table**

**XXXX**

Orlanda Hyphianne was impatient.

She wasn't usually impatient, but this was a special case. Her first class of the day consisted of two certain students that had united the staff in a way that spell-o tape simply couldn't achieve.

"Come on, bell! Ring already! Come on!" she hissed, stabbing her fork threw her eggs with undeserved irritation.

"Come now, Orlanda, what did that egg ever do to you?"

The Muggle Studies Professor turned her head, and glared daggers at Ashleigh, who had spoken. The Defense Professor was smirking at her, and tilting her chair back on its two rear legs. As always.

"You know," Orlanda said, smiling innocently at her, "that is a very dangerous habit you've picked up. Leaning your chair back on the last two legs, I mean. Wouldn't it be tragic if you were to accidentally _slip_ one of these days?"

Ashleigh's eyes narrowed for a second, before she tilted her head up towards the ceiling, and wondered loudly, "What kind of _idiot_ would _purposely_ try to trip up a _Defense_ Professor of all things? A Professor who just _happens_ to know more _hexes_ and _curses_ then said idiot could ever _hope_ to learn in her lifetime? A Professor whose _wand_ could _slip_ and _accidentally_ blast said _idiot_ to another galaxy: Oh. This. I. _Wonder_."

Most of the faculty and some of the students that had heard her sent Ashleigh apprehensive looks. In response, she scowled, and let her chair fall forward onto its front legs with a loud _BANG!_, which caused most of those in the Hall to jump a foot high.

Ashleigh smirked at them all and said, "I'm going to go set up my class. Do try not to mess this... _situation_ up to completely." With that, the Defense Professor got gracefully to her feet, and exited the Great Hall, leaving an uneasy (the other Professors) and confused (the students) silence in her wake.

The silence was fortunately broken by Professor Slughorn after a moment though. He gave a proud chuckle, and took a sip from his goblet before speaking. "That Ashleigh always did have _quite_ the flare for the dramatics, she did," the Potions Professor stated fondly.

The Astronomy Professor snorted derisively, and commented, "It'll be the death of her one day. I swear, that girl would mock the _Dark Lord_ even if she was on the wrong end of his wand, and about to be _A.K_-ed!" The other teachers nodded their agreement.

"Eh, you got to respect her for it, though," Minerva allowed. The Professors nodded their agreement again.

"Enough about Ashleigh and her mystique, everyone! Today is day one of Operation: Get-Lily-Evens-and-James-Potter-together-before-we-all-loose-our-sanity-or-what-is-left-of-it! What is their schedule for today?" asked Aaron.

"They have my class first!" said Orlanda immediately, looking excited.

"No kidding?" commented Philip Flitwick, looking apprehensive. You could hardly blame him, either. The Muggle Studies Professor was looking like she had just held up Honeyduke's, and then consumed her takings in less time then should be allowed by the laws of physics.

"They have my class after that," Minerva put in.

"And me strait after for doubles," said Slughorn cheerfully.

"Everyone got a plan?" asked Albus, with the air of one who was about to attempt Mission Impossible without stunt-doubles.

"Yes!" the three teachers exclaimed.

"Good." With timing to impeccable for it not to have been rigged, the bell rang, announcing it to be 10 minutes until class started. "Let's do this!"

All the teachers put their hands in, and then pulled them out with the cry of "_BRAKE!"_

The Mission Impossible theme song began to play, and the Professors began to make their way to the door with an unnecessary amount of rather obvious hand signals, summersaults, and suspicious looks around at their dumbstruck students.

**XXXX**

**At the Same Time With the Marauders**

**XXXX**

"Prongs, stop banging your head on the table," Remus advised, glancing around at the surrounding students before adding, "People are starting to stare."

James heeded the advice, and simply let his forehead rest against the polished wooden surface. "I'm doomed."

"Come now, Prongsie! You've had people you've pranked out to get you _before_!" Sirius protested.

"Yeah, but those people didn't control my grade point average!" insisted James.

"Good point."

"No! You were supposed to disagree!"

"Okay then, I'm sure the Professors weren't looking at you evilly _per say_." Sirius reasoned.

"Are you kidding me, Padfoot? They were _cackling_! It doesn't get much more evil then that!" said James, hysterically.

Sirius sighed, and threw his hands up in the air in surrender. "Whose side do you want me to be on? _Yours_ or... yours?"

James glared at him. "Not helping!"

Their friendly bantering was interrupted by a loud _BANG!_ That echoed threw the Great Hall. Sirius, Remus, James, and their surrounding neighbors all jumped about a foot in the air.

"What the bloody Hell was that?" demanded Sirius, recovering from the loud sound.

"It came from the Head Table," said a brunette girl to James' left. The three boys looked up to said Table just in time to see their Defense Professor, Professor Silvers, throw a smirk at their other Professors, and some of the students in the front of that Hall that had heard whatever she had said, before walking calmly out of the Hall.

The Marauders all looked at each other. "Professor Silvers is scary sometimes." said James, solemnly.

Sirius shrugged, but looked at the door the Defense Professor had just exited with starry-eyes. "Yah, but she's pretty hot the rest of the time."

Remus and James stared at him in horror. "Are you crushing on our Professor?" demanded James.

Sirius shrugged. "She's only, like, 24 Jamie."

"She dishes our_ grades_!" Remus reminded him.

Before Sirius could answer to this, the bell rang. Instead he said, "Well, we had better-"

The word_ "BRAKE_!" echoed from the Head Table, and the Hall jumped once more. What they saw could only be described as creepy. Suddenly, the Mission Impossible theme song blared in the Great Hall. The students could only stare as their Professors all jumped up and began to signal to each other, summersault in midair (which was an achievement for Professor Slughorn), and cast suspicious looked over their shoulders as they made their way towards the door.

When all the Professors were out of the door, it shut closed behind them. A ringing silence settled over the stunned students as they attempted to register what the Hell just happened.

"That was so wrong in so many ways," they heard Lily Evans said, faintly.

The students who were raised in the wizarding world, and had never watched Mission Impossible in their lives, were having it explained to them by their muggle-raised friends. The Slytherins, who were pretending to be disdainful, tried to eavesdrop on the muggleborns that were explaining the concepts of Mission Impossible to their clueless friends, so they could know what the heck _that _whole thing was about.

"We had better hurry," said Remus, after he had finished explaining what the Professors had been up to Sirius and James. "We can't be late for..." he checked his schedule "Muggle Studies. And from what that little episode could tell, you guys need to _really_ get a clue from that class."

Eventually the students filed out of the Great Hall in groups, and walked off to their classrooms.

**XXXX**

**With Lily and Her Friends**

**XXXX**

"So anyway, are you going to hook up with James this year?" asked Sasha with a grin.

Lily scowled at her friends as they began to giggle. "No way."

Aurora sighed, and rolled her eyes ceiling-ward. "Always the stubborn one, eh Lils?"

Before Lily could respond, Professor Silvers suddenly said, in a voice that was loud enough for the very end of the House Tables to hear, "What kind of _idiot_ would _purposely_ try to trip up a _Defense_ Professor of all things? A Professor who just _happens_ to know more _hexes_ and _curses_ then said idiot could ever _hope_ to learn in her lifetime? A Professor whose _wand_ could _slip_ and _accidentally_ blast said _idiot_ to another galaxy: Oh. This. I. _Wonder_."

Lily, her teachers, her friends, and some of her fellow classmates that had caught was Professor Silvers had said, sent the Professor apprehensive looks. In response, she scowled, and let her chair fall forward onto its front legs with a loud _BANG,_ which caused Lily and her neighbors to jump a foot in the air.

Ashleigh smirked at them all and said to the other Professors, "I'm going to go set up my class. Do try not to mess this... _situation_ up to completely." And with that, the brunette Professor strode gracefully out the Great Hall's doors.

There was a moment's silence. Then, "Professor Silvers can really scare you when she wants to," commented Natasha. Those that heard her nodded in agreement.

"She's a great teacher though," said Lily, thoughtfully. Her friends nodded their agreement.

"Remember when she introduced us to the Unforgivable? That was so _cool_!" Sasha exclaimed. Her classmates who had been listening all began to recount the lesson with enthusiasm. Lily just frowned. Sasha caught it, and a second later she realized why. "Oh! Lily! That was so insensitive of me! I'm sorry! I forgot your parents were..." the normally cheerfully girl wailed.

Lily smiled slightly. "It's okay. It was quick, and that's a comfort." Sasha gave her a hug just as the bell rang.

"We had better go," Natasha said hesitantly.

Lily nodded, and was about to get up, when she heard a loud call of "_BRAKE!"_ echo from the Head Table. Turning her head to see what was going on; Lily Evans was flabbergasted by the sight that she was greeted with.

The Mission Impossible theme song began to play, and the Professors began to make their way to the door with numerous hand signals, summersaults, and suspicious looks around at their dumbstruck students.

When the Professors were all out the door, it slammed shut behind them, leaving a loud silence behind them.

"That was so wrong in so many ways," Lily said, faintly.

The students who were raised in the wizarding world, and had never watched Mission Impossible in their lives, were having it explained to them by their muggleborn friends. The Slytherins, Lily noticed, were pretending to be disdainful, tried to eavesdrop on the muggleborns that were explaining the concepts of Mission Impossible to their clueless friends, so they could know what the heck _that_ was about.

"As interesting as that was, we had better get to Muggle Studies," said Aurora, she and Lily having finished explaining what the Professors had been up to Sasha and Natasha, who were a Half-blood and a Pureblood respectively. Eventually the students filed out of the Great Hall in groups, and made their way gradually to their classes.

"...so weird..." Lily heard Natasha mutter as she split from the group to go to Ancient Ruins

Lily fully agreed.

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_YESSSSSSSS!_ I think I did okay! I believe this is my longest chapter as of yet. I hope it is as good as the others, and I hope you like it! Please read and review!

Master of Random Disaster


	4. You Want Us To Do WHAT NOW? Part One

**Amaya713:** Yes, I was never particularly talented at Circus activities such as juggling. I guess a little re-wording was rather called for in chapter 3 unparticular, so from now on, I think it would be safer to just keep Lily and James in one point of view, and the professors in another instead of multitasking. As for some shipping's, I really hadn't considered. I think the best compromise would be a quick poll at the end of this chapter to see what the reviewers want, since I'm ambivalent.

**Shang Warrior Phoenix:** Thank you very much! To be perfectly honest, I have never seen Mission Impossible, but my friend was telling me about it when I was at school, and I later decided to add a little of that into the mix!

**ChoklatCheriCheesekuchen: **Thank you as well! My friends all have a rather morbid sense of humor at times, so I had to explain some of this story to them, which I found amusing in itself. Anyways, I hope this chapter is as good as the reputation this story seems to have earned!

**Genetic Island:** Thanks! I've been told by my friends that it's pretty random, but then, they don't read Harry Potter much. I'M SO MISUNDERSTOOD! (Bursts into tears).Okay! I'm better!

**Mrs.Scott323:** Glad you like! I'm keepin' the updates coming!

**Pip-2250:** (snickers) I found it to be rather fun touch, too. And the dumbfounded ness they leave behind, I could almost picture!

**PoE-dA-hOe:** Nah! This whole story is written off of randomness, and was_ inspired_ by randomness. I love for people to be actually _able_ to say 'He he! I know what you're talking about'! Trust me, to know that people are getting the joke without you having to explain it is a real relief! I'm also so excited that this story is good enough to be put on a _story alert_! (Squeals) I'll do my best not to disappoint you!

**magicgirl557**: I post to amuse! ...and because I hate school... but don't tell my teachers, because they will kill me.

**twadrummer:** Oh my gosh! Someone _LOVES_ this FF! I like it just fine, but love! Wow! I am humbled! Thanks so much!

And on that note, I shall proceed to spin a tail of complete randomness involving J.K Rowling's poor, innocent, and unsuspecting characters...

**Disclaimer:** ...But first I shall ward off prowling lawyers that are just _looking_ for a lawsuit. I own nothing from the Harry Potter Series, or anything else that is mass produced, and exposed to the public.

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**Chapter 4: You Want Us To Do _WHAT_ _NOW_! Part 1**

Orlanda Hyphianne steepled her fingers, and leaned back in her chair. "Eeeexcellent" she drawled to herself.

Orlanda surveyed her student as they chatted with their neighbors, and a sly smile crept onto her face. Oh, yes, she thought triumphantly. The little ankle-biters wouldn't suspect a thing. Clearing her throat for her student's attention, she smiled as she received it.

"Hello, and welcome to your first Muggle Studies lesson," Orlanda said, getting to her feet. "I'm Professor Hyphianne, and I have a very... _special_ lesson for you today. Lessons that will scar you for life- I mean- provide you with valuable insight unto the world outside of Hogwarts." She smiled again, catching sight of her student's startled looks at her slip-up. "Now before we begin questions?"

Naomi McKinney raised her hand nervously, and Hyphianne pointed at the girl to speak. "Well," she began. "I was just wondering if you could tell us why you and the other Professors, minus Professor Silvers, did that -err- _thing _in the Great Hall this morning-?"

"What thing?" asked Orlanda, innocently.

"You _know_... With the 'Quest Possible' music?" Naomi reminder her, completely missing the title.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Orlanda insisted, mentally cackling.

"Yah-huh!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Yah-huh!"

"_I'm_ the Professor," Orlanda whined, stamping her foot childishly. "I'll say 'the moon is cheese' if I want! And if _I_ say so, then _you_ lot should say, 'Gee, Professor! You _sure_ are smart!' And I'll say, 'yes, _I_ am, peasant!' And you then say, 'what kind of cheese?' Then I'll go, 'Ahhh! You dare question me? Throw him/her into the brig!" The Muggle Studies Professor began to cackle evilly, completely ignoring her class' startled stares.

"Err... Professor?" Lily interrupted the now-rambling Orlanda, who looked up in annoyance.

"What?" Orlanda demanded. She was, after all, in the middle of describing how she could teach them that Voldemort wore bunny slippers to bed if she so felt the urge to.

"... The lesson...?"

"Oh..." Orlanda said, if a bit blankly. After a moment of continued non-comprehension, Lily coughed. Then it clicked with the Muggle Studies teacher. "_Ohhhh_... right." She then plucked up the top hat that had been sitting on her desk with a flourish. "_Now_," she said dramatically. "This half of the room," she indicated the students seated on the left side of the center isle, "will pick one slip of parchment from this hat!" For emphasis she shook said hat, which was filled to the brim with little slips of paper, in Peter Pettigrew's face. Said boy gave a surprised start, and promptly slipped off his chair and onto the floor.

Orlanda took no notice, and continued as though one of her student had not just fallen off his stool due to his own unalert-ness. "You shall then wait -WAIT, I say- for further instruction." She then proceeded to move around the left side of the room, offering the top hat to her students.

When his turn came Sirius looked in the ordinary black hat, shrugged, and made to pull out the only little red paper in the hat, instead of a white one like his classmates.

**"Don't take the red one, Black!"** Professor Hyphianne all but shrieked in his ear.

Wincing, he glared at her reproachfully before demanding, "Why is it in there if we can't pick it?"

**"Because I said so!"** Orlanda cried.

Sirius huffed, but took a different paper. As his Professor turned away, he decided revenge was in order. Ignoring her previous orders of waiting before opening, Sirius began to unfold the paper. Before he could fully do so, however, he received a sound _'whack'_ on the back of the head.

Uttering a yelp of pain and surprise, Sirius spun around to meet the source of his discomfort.

**"Can you not follow instruction, Sirius Black?"** Hyphianne howled in his ear, causing him to cover his rather abused head in aggravation. **"When I say '_wait'_, I damn strait mean WAIT! For the love of all that is _decent_!" **

With that, she stormed off to thrust the hat under James Potter's noise, still grumbling about idiots scheming to make The Plan fail. Idly wondering what the Professor was on about, but without the courage (or stupidity) to ask, James looked into the hat, and carefully avoided the red paper that had caused the trouble. He pulled out a little white paper, and waited for the Muggle Studies Professor to move on. How sadly mistaken he was.

**"I swear by all that is reasonable- Potter! What are you _doing_?"** Professor Hyphianne demanded.

James started in surprise. For once in his life, he really hadn't _done_ anything! He told the Professor as much, and she gave a snort of impatience.

**"Pick the red one, Potter! Come on! Let's go!"**

"But you said-" James protested, confused. The Muggle Studies Professor cut him off.

"I told _Mr. Black_ not to. I am telling _you_ now _to _do it."

"Why-?"

**"The moon is cheese, James Potter!"** Hyphianne cried suddenly to a now seriously alarmed James. **"Do not question me!"**

Not bothering to argue with the baffling Professor, James hurriedly snatched up the red parchment, and willed Hyphianne to go away. The Fates seemed to take pity on his dilemma, and Professor Hyphianne walked away. When she reached the front, she had regained her composure.

"Well now, dears," she began after glaring at Sirius and James a final time. "I suppose you are wondering what is in that parchment you have selected." There was a murmur of assent. "Well! What are you waiting for! Open the stupid thing!" She allowed a moment for them to do so. "Now sit, go get that person, and spread out... Not necessarily in that order."

There were a few moments of chairs scraping the floor, and people talking and jostling each other, but it was done quick enough. Orlanda noted with glee that Lily and James were seated next to one another (not that they had had a choice), and eyeing each other uncertainly.

"Now that you have your partners," instructed Orlanda, unable to restrain her smile of triumph. "You may know this class' theme for the next term!" Waving her wand in an unnecessary flourish, she directed the spell at the blackboard in the front of the room. The class watched warily as the chalk began forming one word and three numbers on the blackboard of its own accord. However, these were no ordinary combination of numbers and words. It was a phrase. A phrase that would cause an almightily uproar among most of the students, if not all of them.

The students watched as the words were written out, as though by an unseen hand, the phrase:

**MARRIAGE... 1...0...1...**

Orlanda Hyphianne steepled her fingers, and leaned back in her chair once more. Closing her eyes to the satisfyingly loud and outraged voices of protest from her students, she whispered once more to herself a carefully drawn-out word. "Eeeexcellent." And then she cackled. Cackling quietly in her corner, she leaned back in her chair the exact way she had always warned Ashleigh not to do.

This was going to be a fun term.

* * *

Ohhhh! Bet'chall didn't see that one comin'! From here on out, there will be a little more Romance added in, but it's still mainly Humor.

Anyways: Let's vote on it!

_I have been asked if I am planning on doing more then just a Lily/James pairing. Well, I don't have any objection to adding more. After all, I haven't told anyone who was paired up with whom during the drawing. Just that Lily and James are stuck together. And it can only get worse! Transfiguration and Potions still to go and we aren't even done with Muggle Studies! So vote for what couple you want in you reviews, and I'll pick the winner(s) to put in the story! If there is a pair that you want but I didn't think to put it up, suggest it, and if enough people agree with you, then I'll put it in:_

_Couples:_

**Sirius/Aurora**

**Sirius/Sasha**

**Remus/Aurora**

**Remus/Sasha**

Um, other? Yah, okay, I can't think of any other pairs that might come up. So feel free to suggest!


	5. You Want Us To Do WHAT NOW? Part Two

**magicgirl557: **I shall update for you now! Thanks for the votes! (Writes vote down)

**choklatchericheesekuchen: **mwahhha! Yessss... All goes according to plan! Never change your catchphrase! (Cackles)

**IceFire9: **And more you shall receive!

**Shang Warrior Phoenix: **Vote has been registered! Glad you like it!

**(-): **FYI, I _live_ for weird. Glad some people can deem my insanity as funny!

**Not important: **Yeah, I heard about that from someone else as well. I decided to not do that anymore. It was putting me to sleep. Like my Writing teacher always said: "if you're falling asleep writing it, then feel bad for those who are reading it." That must be the only thing I learned threw the whole blasted year. Anyway, hooking someone's interest is always nice. I'll try not to disappoint!

**Pip-2250: **The sheer obviousness of it all is the beauty my dear! We'll see if anyone detected her... err- _subtlety_ in this chapter perhaps!

**BlueSea14: **Glad you love it! Thanks to the great reviews all!

**Imagine i was a star: **I loved The List the first time I red it as well! I still can't read number 64 with a strait face (lol). I got your votes down, and yes they do suck!

**PoE-dA-hOe: **Ahhh... PoE-dA-hOe! We meet again! Orlanda is evil, though, isn't she? (Sniff) I'm so proud! And I do love having Sirius get hit on the head. In fact, I love it so much that you can expect him to escape this story with nothing less then a concussion!

**runnerella: **Thanks! I thought it was kind of cute at the beginning. Nice to know that other people are thinking that, too.

**Kara: **I have got to say that theme _is_ rather reoccurring in FFs today... all I can do is count the votes though! **(I Was a Teenage Flobberworm **throws onion at **master of random disaster's **head in agreement with **Kara) **Ewww! An onion? Honestly, my own Beta throwing onions at my head? More original then a tomato, but _Ewwww _all the same! But back to the matter at hand, Remus/Tonks sounds good, as long as: A.) It wins out in the polls as an honest preference of the reviewers. B.) Someone out there is really dead set on getting that pair to win, and uses several different anonymous usernames to put in multiple votes. Or C.) I totally cheat on the polls and rig the standings (which I won't do, because I wouldn't get away with it _and_ it wouldn't do me any good).

**Danielle Collins x33: **Thank you, thank you very much! As for the couple: Loving it! I think I can pull that off! Thanks for your input!

**eternaliris: **Insane definitely sums it all up! Every teacher on the planet is that way, as far as I can tell.

**He-Who-Name-Must-Be-Hyphena...: **(lol) I loved that line, too! I picked it because it sounded so randomly thrown out! Get it? _Random_? **Master of _Random_ Disaster**! (Laughs at own joke until Beta says to do something that cannot be repeated here without changing the rating of the story). I do like to ignore Peter, yes, and thank you for the congrats! That would be funny pairing for a prank dictated by an insane author!

**padfoot'sgal901: **Hello, and thanks! Its cool, my computer is on the fritz all the time! Inspired by English Class... in the worst way! I was sitting in my English Class this morning, and out of nowhere, it suddenly occurred to my why teachers should never try to relate to the social life of their students. That thought would occur to you, too, if your teacher compared her boyfriend to yours! Awe! You're making me blush! And don't worry. The central focus will totally be Lily and James because they're the ones that the Professors are trying to hook up. Other couples my join the insanities, but L/J will be the focus. (Snickers) I threw in the Slughorn image because he _upset_ me in the 6th book.

**ExAmS sUcK: **Thank you on both counts! I try!

**hpfreak: **Spell check for the reviews? Yeah, I saw that too. It doesn't give you the real way to spell it though, so I always wondered what they were trying to do. Point out that we can't spell for beans? That's a stupid reason! I already know that _I_ can't spell; don't know about the rest of you though. (Grins evilly Yah, I almost pity them at certain points in the chapters. Unfortunately for them, I don't sympathize enough to stop writing this ff! (Cackles) YES! Voting is wonderfulness in a keyboard! And you don't have to be 18 or older to do it! (Or maybe it was 21 or older... I really am clueless) Got the vote, and thanks! Voting is still fun even if you have no idea what you're voting on. I usually pick the person who is wearing blue (my favorite color)! And _finally_ someone agrees with me! Seriously, what is the _point_ of that spell check?

**Aeta Aella: **Thanks! Glad you like it!

Anyway, great to here from you all again! I damn near fainted when I saw how many reviews I had, as unprofessional as that may sound. Thanks so much all! I'm going to try to live up to the praises you sing! Now, I'm trying to work a compromise out for as many people as I can. All your votes and many of your suggestions were included in this chapter, and I was trying to squeeze in as many requests as I could possibly manage as I wrote. I hope you all find the arrangement acceptable!

**Disclaimer: **I own less of this story then I own of the air you breathe! The point is, I own nothing.

**

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**

**CHAPTER 5: You Want Us To Do _WHAT NOW_? Part Two**

Remus Lupin moan miserably along with everyone else, asides from the Professor who had placed this misfortune upon them.

"You can't be serious!" he groaned helplessly at the Muggle Studies Professor, who looked suspiciously delighted at her student's anguish.

"Actually, Moony, _she's_ Professor Hyphianne and _I'm_ Sirius."

See what he had to deal with?

"Shut _up,_ Padfoot. If you ever say that horrible joke again, I will be forced to castrate you with a wooden spoon." Remus growled.

"Hey! What does my more _intimate_ anatomy have to do with my ability to tell appalling puns?" Sirius demanded, wincing at the no-so-subtly-implied threat.

"Are you saying that you would be okay with it? If you are in doubt, keep talking." the Werewolf dared him solemnly.

Sirius grimaced. "No, I think I'm good."

**XXXX**

**A Desk or Two Away**

**XXXX**

"Nooo..." Lily said faintly. "This cannot be happening..."

"I'm going to die." James proclaimed next to her. "There is no _way_ I'm going to survive this."

"Who out there have I pissed off so thoroughly enough to deserve _this_?" Lily wondered.

"By the moons of Jupiter, why _me_? Why _this_?"

"...Refuse to do this... I can transfer classes! Or schools...! Or countries...! _Continents..._? _Planets..._? **_Galaxies!"_**

"I could have picked Alice, Jenna, or even Maria. Hell, _Malfoy _I could deal with even; since I could hex him and all. But by all the stars, _why_ _this_!" James pled to the air.

"What room have you to complain, Potter?" Lily snarled.

"The room with the large sign saying **'HOSTILE: DO NOT ENTER. AGGRESSIVE REDHEAD' **on its door." James moaned.

Lily scowled, but before she could retort, the cause of all this err... _happiness _called the room to order.

**XXXX**

**At The Front of the Room**

**XXXX**

"Well, now," Professor Hyphianne exclaimed cheerfully, clapping her hands together. "Before we start, would anyone like to say anything?"

Every single student in the room raised their hand (in some cases raising both), and Orlanda fought to keep a strait face. Deciding she could use some entertainment, she scanned the room, and pointed to the franticly waving hand of Remus.

"Yes, Mr. Lupin?" She asked innocently. "Do you have any questions, comments, or concerns?"

"Yes, _YES_, and **_YES_**!" the seventh year all but screamed. "Is there _any_ possible way to get out of this, or at least switch partners?"

Orlanda smiled evilly at her charges, and said plainly and simply, "No."

"**WHY NOT**!" Lily demanded angrily, her and several others in the classroom leaping to their feet in anger.

The Muggle Studies Professor looked at her as though she though the girl impertinent. "Because I said so."

"Because _you said so_?" exclaimed James in disbelief, standing as well.

"Because I said so." Orlanda confirmed.

"Well that's just bloody _great_!" sneered Lucius Malfoy from the back row, where he eyed the brown-haired Ravenclaw he'd been paired with in unhidden disgust. From the loathing glaring the brunette was leveling at the blonde, it was apparent the feeling was mutual.

"I'm glad you are all seeing the importance in this assignment!" Orlanda beamed at them all, ignoring their sarcasm. "Now, for the rest of this term, you will be as _close_ to your partner as I can possibly _force_ _you_."

Remus let out a muffled sort of shriek.

"And if we refuse?" drawled Malfoy, standing up and crossing his arms.

"Then you will be thrown in the lake with the giant squid," Orlanda said seriously.

Lucius stared at her, his arms falling to his sides.

"What!"

"Then you will be throw-" Orlanda began to repeat dutifully.

"That can't be legal!" James insisted.

"**THE MOON IS CHEESE, JAMES POTTER**!" Hyphianne screamed once again, causing everyone to jump. "The only thing _'legal'_ in this classroom is whatever the hell I say! Now sit, everyone!"

"We are not dogs!" exclaimed Lily indignantly, throwing herself back onto her chair.

"Speak for yourself," Sirius muttered a few chairs over.

Suddenly, the bell announcing the next period rang. Before you could blink, the student had rushed out the door in a massive stampeded to put as much distance between themselves and their rather questionably sane teacher as possible.

The only occupant of the room, Professor Orlanda Hyphianne, sat in her chair next to her desk and cackled.

Long and hard this Professor did cackle, effectively frightening the hell out of her next period class, who eyed their only exit warily from their seats.

Poor unsuspecting sods.

* * *

Another chapter down! I hope you all like it! **Announcement Time!**

Another thing: The votes are in!

Sirius/Natasha: 1

Sirius/Sasha: 1

Sirius/Aurora: 2

Remus/Sasha: 2

Remus/Aurora: 2

Remus/Tonks: 1

Alice/Frank: 1

Talk about a spread-out vote! But seriously, people! There were more then one thousand people viewing this story. Surly _someone_ can break the tie. I decided to take **He-Who-Name-Must-Be-Hyphena...'s **suggestion as you can clearly see. For those of you who haven't a clue of what I'm on about, she/he said that I should pair Remus and Sirius together for the project as a joke. They are picking from a hat after all, and it's just to _perfect a chance _for Irony to miss annoying them. So, I'm going to ask you all to vote again on the actual pairings. The finalists are:

Sirius/Aurora

Remus/Sasha

Remus/Aurora

Once we get that decided, I can post a decently long chapter. Please vote so I don't have to wing it! I don't like winging it since I'm not a bird and can't fly. I would know; I've tried it. Not very recommended unless you're a professional or insane (or quite possibly both). And if you fall into these categories, then by all means, go right ahead.


	6. Oh, You Cannot Be SIRIUS!

Hi all! I know I'm a little late on updating, but there have been some uploading issues that needed to be resolved. The good news is that: 1.) I'm back! And 2.) I've set up an account elsewhere and put both my stories on backup there. So if there are ever some problems on this website again, I'll post the new chapter on that 'site. The link to the ficwad account is in my profile, though I hope that it doesn't become necessary.

Anyway, onto the chapter!

**Disclaimer:** I own none of J.K's characters!

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**CHAPTER 6: Oh, You Cannot Be _Sirius_!**

"That was _crazy!_" Aurora blurted out once she, Sasha, and Lily were out of earshot of their insane Muggle Studies Professor.

"I know! Someone needs to send that women to St. Mungo's!" Lily exclaimed as they turned the corner that led to the Transfiguration classroom.

"What's crazy?" Natasha inquired once she caught up with her friends.

When Sasha was finished explaining their Professor's recent tactics, Natasha rolled her eyes. "Our teachers are slowly going nuts."

There were murmurs of agreement as the four friends took their seats near the front just as the bell rang. Ignoring it, the class continued to talk loudly.

**XXXX**

**In The Front Of the Classroom**

**XXXX**

Minerva McGonagall drummed her fingers on the top of her desk impatiently.

The phrase 'the foolish talk, but the wise listen' was completely wasted on this lot!

A moment later, Professor McGonagall lost her patience.

"**SILENCE IS GOLDEN! _BE RICH_**!" she screamed. A shocked silence radiated from the students as Minerva regained composure.

"Now that you have all deemed it fit to be quiet," the professor began. "We shall start on our first lesson of the year- **MR.BLACK! PUT THAT AWAY THIS _INSTANT_**!"

"I'm not doing anything!" Sirius exclaimed.

"You're up to something!" Minerva accused.

"What makes you say that?" Sirius questioned in mock-hurt.

"You're holding a dung bomb!"

Sirius glanced down at his hand in mild surprise. "I forgot I was holding those." At McGonagall's sharp look, Sirius scratched the back of his head in bemusement. "This isn't what it looks like?" he tried.

"Of course not." the professor commented dryly.

Sirius shifted uncomfortably. "I'll put these away now-"

"Yeah..." Minerva drawled. Turning her attention back to the rest of the class, she cleared her throat and tried again. "The first lesson of the year will be covering-"

She was interrupted yet again by the door banging open. "**MINERVA!"** Professor Hyphianne shrieked, dashing up to the visibly surprised Transfiguration teacher's desk.

"And there was me, thinking I was free of her." James moaned loudly.

Ignoring him, Orlanda whispered in Minerva's ear something the student couldn't catch. Just as suddenly as she had appeared the eccentric Hyphianne rushed back out the door; slamming it dramatically as she left.

"Is there no one _norma_l on the Hogwarts faculty?" Lily wondered out loud.

"Uh-Oh. This doesn't look good." Remus observed. His classmates looked around at whatever had his attention.

Professor Minerva McGonagall was _cackling_.

**"NO!"** James suddenly screamed, pounding his desk. **"NO! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I _REFUSE_!"**

"Jamie! Calm down!" Sirius said, looking totally taken aback.

James ignored him and all the others in the room as they gave him rather alarmed looks. "Every time my professors cackle, insane things happen!" James announced, hyperventilating.

Unfortunately, there was far too much truth in that statement for anyone to say otherwise.

"I have just been informed by Professor Hyphianne," McGonagall began. The students braced themselves for the worst. "Of your new focus for those in Muggle Studies. Thus, I have decided that you shall work with your partners threw the semester of this class-"

"What if we don't _take_ Muggle Studies and don't _have_ partners?" wondered Natasha.

"Then you should consider yourself very _very_ lucky." Sirius replied solemnly. Those who had been in said lesson nodded vigorously.

"But seriously, what if-"

"No! _I'm_ Sirius!" he claimed.

"**AHHH! YOU'RE RUINING THE PLAN!"** Minerva accused, distressed. "Everyone: shut up! If you don't have a partner: get one! Sirius Black: Never speak that appalling pun within my presence _or _outside of it! **NOW GO!"**

There was a frantic scrambling as people found their partners and attempted to take desks as far back from their teacher's as humanly possible.

"Now as I was saying for the _third_ time-" Minerva looked around suspiciously, as if making sure that there was no one to interrupt her "-we will be transfiguring things into... **WEDDING RINGS**!"

"Have you people gone **MAD**?" Remus asked incredulously.

"You can't be serious." James proclaimed.

"No! _I'm_-" Sirius tried to say, but before he could finish, the poor guy caught sight of something very traumatic. Remus had conjured a wooden spoon, and was twirling it in his hand threateningly.

"Suddenly, I don't feel the need to finish that sentence." Padfoot muttered nervously.

"Good _boy_... For now."

Sirius gulped.

"Silence!" McGonagall exclaimed. "Now... Questions?"

Frank Longbottom raised his hand uncertainly, and she pointed at him to speak.

"Well, how is this going to help us defend ourselves against the Dark Lord?"

"**AHHH**! Are you saying _my_ brilliant plan is _useless_?" McGonagall demanded.

"What plan?"

"The plan- The plan that... **THE PLAN THAT IS NOT _USELESS_**!" Minerva stuttered.

"And that would be...?" Aurora prompted.

"And that would _be QUIET_, Ms. Gildings! Total and absolute _silence_!" the Transfiguration professor hissed.

Natasha sniffed irritably. "No need to get shirty."

"**QUIET!**" the very flustered professor screamed. "Rings... **NOW!"**

The class worked in silence for a few minutes, since no one possessed the stupidity to anger the professor. A little while into the lesson, however, something slid into place in Sirius' mind with a loud _click_.

"I've got it!" the animagus screamed into the silent room.

Everyone stared at him until McGonagall told him to shut up and get back to work.

"What have you got?" Remus hissed, abandoning his horrible attempt at transfiguring a sock into the ring that had been requested of him.

"Two plus two makes four!" Sirius responded, triumphantly.

"It must be a _crime_ to be as stupid as you." Remus insisted.

"...Hey! I've really got it this time! What if the professors are acting weird because they have a plan to get James and Lily together by the end of the year?" Sirius suggested.

For five seconds Remus stared at his friend. Then, shaking his head, the Werewolf patted his friend on the back. "That is the stupidest thought you have ever said aloud. And that _is_ saying something."

"Yeah," Sirius shook his head with a grin. "What was I thinking? The day _that_ happens is the day I proclaim my undying love for **_Snape_**!" At that, he burst out laughing.

Bad idea.

"**MR. BACK! EITHER SHUT UP, OR PREPAIR TO BE SILENCIO-ED**!" Minerva screamed.

"Sorry Minnie! -_Ouch!_ I said that out_ loud,_ didn't I?"

Remus winced. "I'm afraid so." he replied sympatheticly.

To bad for Sirius: Sympathy did him no good.

"Call me that again, Mr. Black, and you die." Minerva glowered.

"Right. Gotcha." Sirius responded, nervously turning back to his snow globe.

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Well, there it is! Hope you all like it! Again, please remember: I've set up an account on put both my stories on backup there. So if there are ever some problems on this website again, I'll post the new chapter on that 'site. The link to the ficwad account is in my profile. Thank you all! R&R!

**Master of Random Disaster**


	7. Slughorn Trys His Luck

**thetricksterqueen**: Mahwah! Glad you liked it!

**KelleyFitzgerald**: Thanks! I will!

**Banana-hater**: Hello again! I thank you, and that's so nice of you to say! As an answer to the 'Why the rings?' question, the reason is because I had nothing planned for Transfiguration and I had to think fast. It probably came out rather weird, but at least I have a game plan for this chapter!

**Ersatz713**: Thanks! I try!

**imagine i was a star**: (lol) yeah, I liked that part, too. As for my escape plan, my last one was going rather well! Me and Lockhart teamed up to make a break for it, but then I remembered what a git he was in the second book when he offered to autograph my fake passport to Canada (where all the cool people on the run go). So then I pushed him down a flight of steps and yelled, "I KNOW THE TRUTH, DAMMIT!" And come on! I'm only _human_! I just _had_ to stick around and gloat! And then the F.B.I found me again... and it just went all down hill from there, let me tell you! Anyways, I will not give up! I shall escape one day! (**I Was a Teenage Flobberworm** _gives Master of Random Disaster a skeptical look_) You don't believe me! AHHH! Bad Beta! As for this story being deleted: no chance of that! I'll stick around to annoy you for a long while from now!

**Shang Warrior Phoenix**: Yeah, I know I slipped on this chapter. I really didn't have a plan for Minerva's class. I do for Slughorn's though! So let's see how this goes!

**None**: Hmmm... Sharp objects... Meaningless places... I_ love_ it! Expect to see it soon!

**Danielle Collins x33**: I so will! I'm juggling two stories right now, so all things considering, I think I'm doing okay at updating them both evenly, right?

**eternaliris:** In _YEARS_? Wow! That's 365 day! Loooong time! Thank you very much! I like that line too by the way.

**Serenity Blossom**: Thanks! I try!

**XxblacksakuraxX**: You don't have to! This chapter is headed your way!

**C K Brook**: Sorry about your waking people! Not sorry that you liked the chapter! As for the spelling, I would spell my own name wrong if it wasn't written on my underpants! That's why I have a Beta! (**I Was A Teenage Flobberworm: **_Do you have any idea how bad at spelling this person is? She misspell transfiguration once_!) Hey! Is everyone out to get me! (_Glares at F.B.I guy.)_

**james4lily**: Wow! Careful of that! I want you to be able to read this chapter, not in the hospital! Update coming your way!

**szabatka2**: (_snickers_) yeah. I almost feel bad for them.

**PoE-dA-hOe**: Yes, but it's so fun to see them suffer!

**Sogno di Felicita**: Yeah, the Sirius/Serious joke is on, like, every ff. As for the pairings, don't try to kill me! I'm just doing what the polls say! (_Hides behind_ **I Was a Teenage Flobberworm) **

**Sapphre818**: Thank you! Thank you!

**Alexa** : (_Looks alarmed_) _WHAT! _REALLY! Then I had better post this chapter now! Glad you like!

**Hpfreak**: Mahwah! Thank you! I do have a love of all things capitalized! The pairings are looking like they are Sirius/Aurora and Remus/Sasha. So, yeah. Expect that in future.

**magicgirl557**: Glad you like! I'll update as much as I can!

**wildimagination**: Oh my gosh. I _actually_ understood what _ROTFLMFAO _stands for! This is real big thing for me, since I am usually totally clueless. Anyways, I really love crazy-ness in this case, don't you?

**BlueSea14**: Thanks! I'm going as fast as I can to avoid the angry mobs of people screaming for updated! Joking! Updating your way!

**Disclaimer**: I hereby state that I own nothing!

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**CHAPTER 7: Slughorn Tries His Luck**

After a quick lunch and a trip to the common room, the seventh year Gryffindors reluctantly trooped down to the dungeons for their double potions class.

With the Slytherins.

"Why Slytherin?" Sirius wondered to no one in particular. "Why not the devil reincarnated a few times over?"

"We don't have that less painful option," Remus groaned.

"If it makes you feel any better, it's nearly the same thing." Frank offered from behind them.

"...I'd rather the devil." James responded seriously. Sirius snorted his agreement.

As they stepped across the threshold, the first thing that they all noticed was that Slughorn was not there.

"I wonder where our professor is." Lily wondered a little ways away.

"The slimy, sugar-coated, thickheaded, bias-" Alice's rant was cut off by the sound of the bell ringing to announce the start of class.

Just then, Slughorn banged into the room, in all of his pineapple-eating glory. Bouncing to his desk in a way that would one day make Draco Malfoy proud, he cheerfully snatched up the attendance roster and began to call off names.

About half-way threw the list, the large professor paused.

Three guesses to what he did next?

Professor Horace Slughorn _cackled_.

James Potter gave a resigned sigh, and dropped his head onto his hands. "I'm right here, Professor."

Horace jumped, and eyed him suspiciously. "How did you know what I was going to say?" he demanded.

"Because my life sucks." The reply came, a little muffled threw James' hands.

"You must be a soul-searcher!" Slughorn muttered, most likely to himself. "Must have aptitude at Divination-" James looked insulted at this "-May go very far in that field! Hmmm... What is my favorite food!" he commanded of the 7th year.

The Gryffindor raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Crystallized pineapple."

"Amazing!" Slughorn pronounced, gleefully.

James exchanged exasperated looks with the two other Marauders. This guy was just too stupid to be permitted.

Slughorn composed himself after a moment, and finished reading off the roster. When the last person pronounced themselves present, Horace clapped his hands together and beamed around at them all.

It was a very disturbing sight.

"Well now! You know the drill! To your partners!" he cried to his students.

Over lunch, word of the teacher's new plot seemed to have spread, because none in the room seemed overly surprised at this request.

That did not, however, mean that the student had to like it.

This was proven very much true as scowls and rude hand gestures were given freely behind the potions professor's back. But none the less, a moment later, the pairs were reluctantly in their seats.

"Now! The potion we shall be working on is..."Slughorn allowed the suspense to spiral for a moment, relishing the tense silence.

"**JUST TELL US!"** Lucius Malfoy screamed, obviously still weary from his strange Muggle Studies class that morning.

"We will be working on... _LOVE POTIONS_!" Horace announced dramatically, beaming once more in what would one day be called a 'Lockhart Pose'.

The class moaned in protest, but those who had sat threw the lesson with Professor Hyphianne that started it all, saw it coming.

Remus let out a hysterical sort of laugh. "Of course! I mean, why _wouldn't_ it be?"

"And for added fun, I shall pick a _completely_ random, _non_ pre-chosen pair to test the potion on!" Despite his words, Slughorn couldn't help but glance gleefully at Lily and James, who were now very much aware that their fate was sealed, and they would be tested.

_'Yes! I will win the betting pool by being the one who gets them together!'_ Slughorn though triumphantly.

**XXXX**

**In the Center of the Classroom**

**XXXX**

James groaned. "Just kill me now."

"No way, Potter!" Lily snarled. "If I'm being put threw this torture, I'm taking you down with me!"

_'Where's Voldemort when you really need him?_' James wondered.

"Start... NOW!" Slughorn called cheerfully at the front of the room.

"I'm going to make that man die a slow, agonizing death." Lucius whispered angrily a few seats away.

"Take a number, Malfoy; I called dibs a year ago." Alice hissed at him as she threw Lacewing into her cauldron.

"Well, that makes you both too late. I claimed to be his cause of death in first year." Lupin informed the two.

"Don't waste your breath, Remus." Natasha muttered, not looking up from her Potions book. "There are people in this school who could and would kill you faster then you could say _Avada Kadavra_ if they ever thought that you were about to rob them of the pleasure of killing him themselves."

For a few minutes, they all worked in silence, speaking only to check the time and suggest rather painful ways for their Potions Professor to die. About 20 minutes into the period, James let out a hysterical sob.

"I can't take this anymore!" James hissed to Lily as she checked to see if the potion was the correct shade of aqua it would be at this stage.

"What do you suggest we do?" Lily demanded, adding a sprinkle of crushed amberoid leaves.

"Make something go wrong." James answered seriously. "Ruin the potion!"

When she looked rather hesitant to knowingly mess up a graded assignment, James let out an exasperated sigh.

"Look, Lily. It's _that_ or we walk around _love-struck_ for the rest of the day." he explained gently. That seemed to clear up any doubt she had, for she gave him a devious smile.

"Let's do it."

For the next hour, Lily and James carefully modified the potion to disable its obsessive nature and made sure that consumption wouldn't kill them.

When Slughorn gave the call for two minutes left, Lily uncorked an empty flask to collect a sample of their potion in. Just as she was about to ladle some of the admittedly wrong-colored potion into the glass, James motioned for her to wait a second.

"What?" she asked.

"It's the wrong color."

"Duh! It's not even a Love Potion anymore! Probably just a Headache Cure by now."

"I've got something that might help." James pulled out a vile of dark red liquid from his robes.

"Is that _blood_?" Lily demanded.

James shook his head and poured the liquid into their bright green potion. As soon as it made contact, the potion turned the same pink color that was described in the potions book.

"How did you do that?" Lily asked, gaping.

Before he could say anything, Horace yelled from the front of the room. "Time! Collect a sample of your potion, and turn it in!"

"Are you sure it didn't mess up our messed up potion?" Lily persisted.

"Positive." James replied, winking. She sighed, filled the flask and turned it in to Slughorn who gasped.

"A perfect coloration, Lily! But of course, I should have known that such a difficult potion would be a snap for you!" Horace boomed, taking the flask.

When the students were all seated again, Slughorn clapped his hands together. "Well! Now to draw the lucky pair!"

While Horace was busy making a beeline for Lily and James' potion, Sirius, who was sitting with Remus in the desk directly in front of them, turned around in his seat and winked at the two.

"Got your back, Jamie." he whispered, tapping Remus on the back. The Werewolf nodded slightly, and took out his wand. Aiming discreetly, he sent a jet of yellow light at a Slytherin pair's cauldron. The second the light hit the brown-colored surface, it exploded with impressive force.

"Remain calm!" Slughorn was hollering at the screaming students, as potion rained over their heads.

Suddenly the bell rang, and the students dashed out the door. Just as it closed, James distinctly heard Slughorn scream to no one in particular, "_Ashleigh_! I'll get you for this!"

"Why does he think Professor Silvers pulled your prank?" James asked his friends, confused.

"Hmmm..." Remus pondered this for a moment, and then shrugged.

"Doesn't matter." Sirius smirked, tossing a bottle of pink liquid into the air and catching it again. "I have something _special_ planned for Dinner."

"Did you save some of our potion?" Remus demanded. The dog Animagus smiled innocently.

"Maybe."

"What _are_ you planning?" James interrupted.

Sirius grinned deviously. "Just something to make sure that Slughorn isn't so angry with _my_ Ashleigh."

"You're not going to-"

"I'll meet up with you at the Great Hall!" Sirius called to them, running off down the corridor. "I have a house elf to see about a certain potions professor's pumpkin juice..."

* * *

There! After forever of not updating, here it is! I hope you all like it!


	8. Slughorn Tries His Luck In Other Ways

**danisp** I know these chapters are short, and I am _not_ trying to hold out on you all! I just try to spread out the insanity, that's all. I'll try to shoot for longer.

**magicgirl557**: They do? Since when? (Goes and checks HBP) Damn! Your right! My bad! Sorry people! Thanks for catching me!

**BrownEyedBeauty**: Wow! Thanks! Every sentence though? Even "Albus Dumbledore was annoyed."? There were only four words there! I must be good! (_Grins_) Don't worry! I'm not getting conceited! (_Is handed a muffin on a silver platter by _SOMEONE_ in a stupid-looking uniform_) AHHH! I said _no blueberries_! _FIRE WHOEVER THE HELL PUT THEM THERE: _PERSONALLY! (_Throws muffin on ground and stomps on it_) See what I have to deal with? (SOMEONE _mutters something_) I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF YOU HAVE TO FLY TO FRANCE! HELL, FLY TO _ICELAND_FOR ALL I CARE! I JUST WANT MY _GOD-FORSAKEN_ MUFFIN!

**Hippolina97** Sorry if it gave you bad images! (_Snickers_) It's fun to torture people that don't exist! No offence to everyone!

**wildimagination**: (_Grins_) I'll show you what he's planning!

**Ersatz713**: Again, Minerva's class was really unplanned. To spontaneous even for me! Sorry to all who expected better.

**imagine i was a star**: Thanks; I'm working on a new plan, but it's not going so well. And that Pen pal thing sounds cool! I'll check it out! As for Lockhart, _Hey_! It was either him or the girl that came in the other day who is under the mistaken impression that she's on Saturn with her collection of chocolate bunnies and a fellow called 'Snoop Dog' I think it was... I'm starting to wish I _had_ taken her instead... I could have at least eaten the chocolate bunnies... Anyway, the uniform is a great plan! I could easily flirt my way out! New Z-land is cool, but sheep? Hmmm... Eh, good backup plan if my dream of being the Queen is out of the question, WHICH IT'S _NOT_! This story isn't going anywhere if you don't want it to, everyone. And I don't think I can do that, let alone think it's physically possible. Thanks for the comments!

**xXblacksakuraXx**: I admire your evilness! Update coming up!

**Luna Moonlight Fawn**: Weather this sounds like I'm blaming this site or not, I'm going to say it anyway. When I post the chapters, and press SAVE CHANGES, certain words get stuck together for reasons unknown. Have a good summer, and thanks for the well wishes for _both _my stories!

**PoE-dA-hOe**: Is that a _good _'oh your days' or a _bad_ 'oh your days'? Oh! It's a good one! Yeah! Thanks!

**banana-hater**: Awww! (Blushes) You're just typing that! And I'm so flattered that you expect good things from my work! You're a sharp one, you caught onto me! Yeah for you! Thanks for the comments as well! You're all going to totally spoil me (in a good way)!

**Shang Warrior Phoenix**: I thought people might like this more then Transfiguration. I guess I really screwed up there! I'll try not to let it happen again!

**Sogno di Felicita**: Everyone has a right to like or not like any of my chapters. I'm freely saying that Minerva's class wasn't my best. If you think there is something I can watch out for in the future, PLEASE call me on it. But that you for saying that!

**Swordy123**: (_grins_) I _hate_ the mornings. I always want to just throw a truck of dynamite at the sun, and damn it all to hell. Why, just the other day, I was woken up at _5:08 a.m_ to get ready for school, and the person (not saying who! She'd kill me!) got a real shock when she heard just how -err- _elaborate_ my mastery of the English language was. So, it's always good to hear that _someone_ was enjoying the mornings!

**JessFantasy16**: Since I don't have a brother to scare, I am so glad I can reach out threw my stories and spur on _others_ to scare _their_ siblings. (Sighs) Good times... As for the spelling thing, (_blushes_) I _did_ try to pull a fast one last chapter. I _did_ send the chapter to **I Was a Teenage Flobberworm**, but when she was done correcting it and sent it back to me, I thought of a few things to add to it. By that time, though, my Beta was on vacation as I now know, and I didn't want to put the chapter up late. I thought I had covered the tracks by using a dictionary to correct whatever I thought was spelt wrong, but obviously things slip by me quite easily. So, sorry people, and sorry, **I Was A Teenage Flobberworm**. I didn't mean to make you look incompetent as a Beta. (**I Was A Teenage Flobberworm**: _It's cool_) And on that apologetic note, and equally sappy acceptance, on with the story!

**LandUnderWave**: (lol) Yeah, allot of people feel that way when they read this. Feeling sorry for James and Lily, I mean. But, to quote the great Dumbledore himself, _"We must try not to sink beneath our anguish, but battle on."_ -page 357, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Don't worry to those who haven't red it yet, that quote won't kill the entire book for you.

**Warning: **This chapter contains more mature (in an immature kind of way) romance-y stuff, so I'm kicking up the rating just in case (even though I probably don't have to, but as Moody says: "_CONSTANT VIGILANCE_!").

I'm going to do the point of view changes a little differently now. Why? Because I can! Now it will say the location and the mood before the point of view changes.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 8: Slughorn Tries His Luck in Other Ways**

James Potter glanced around the hall uneasily for what felt like the hundredth time in the last five minutes.

"Prongs stop it! Just stop it! You're giving me a bad neck just watching you!" Remus burst out suddenly. His dark haired friend jumped at this proclamation, and shook his head in worry.

"Where do you suppose he is, Moony?" James asked, glancing at the door once more.

"Padfoot'll be fine. Just off to plant a prank, it I know him as well as I think I do." Remus observed. As if on cue, the doors to the Hall burst open, and Sirius himself entered, striding dramatically down the isle.

Eventually, the 7th year seated himself gracelessly between his friends, but not before throwing an exaggerated wink at Aurora, who rolled her eyes but grinned back at him all the same. James immediately noticed the dog Animagus looked suspiciously smug about something as he shoveled mashed potatoes onto his plate, and proceeded to devour the morsels loudly; earning him looks of disgust from the girls and amusement from the boys.

"Where have you been off to?" Remus asked. From his tone, James was sure that he had caught onto their friend's superior look, and was apprehensive of it.

"You're about to see." Sirius answered with badly suppressed glee, looking up at the Staff table.

James he no idea what his friend was on about. Everything looked pretty normal. Dumbledore was speaking with Flitwick in between bites of food, McGonagall was talking with Slivers with their usual serious facades, and Slughorn had yet to return from the dungeons...

Beside him, James heard Sirius begin to count down. "3... 2... 1..."

Just as James was about the ask Sirius what the hell he was going on about, the door to the Great Hall crashed open with a noise to wake the dead...

_BANG!_

...And in marched Slughorn.

Okay, make that, _'in _stormed _Slughorn'_.

By now, Horace was already up to the Head table, seating himself in his usual chair to the left of Ashleigh. (_'Damn! He moves _fast_ when he's ticked off!'_ James observed.)

**XXXX**

**Location: Head's Table**

**Mood: Relaxed**

**XXXX**

As Horace plopped into his seat, the whole table noticed his scowl.

"Is there something amiss, Horace?" Orlanda asked. This question only caused his scowl to deepen.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, there is." he answered, glaring daggers at Ashleigh, who raised an eyebrow in response.

"What in the galaxies did I do _now_?" she asked, in a voice echoing her long suffered patience and deep seated exasperation.

"You bloody _decimated_ my entire _classroom_!" he all but shrieked.

Ashleigh scoffed. "Sure. Why _not _blame the one with the third furthest classroom away from yours? I mean, why should we throw around accusations that make _sense_-?"

"Admit it!" Slughorn interrupted. "You were just jealous that _I _was going to get the two of them together before _you_!"

There was a short silence at the table as all waited for the Defense professor's reaction. But all she did was raise and eyebrow again, and say, "no offense, sir, but you couldn't get _magnets_ to attract one another if their pulled for each other was strong enough to rip braces off someone's teeth."

More then one of the professors snorted into their meals as Slughorn's sputtering reached such a level that he was forced to take a large gulp from his goblet so as not to chock on his own spittle. Once he had, an odd look stole across his face.

"Horace? Are you alright?" asked Aaron with concern.

"Yesss..." Horace trailed off dreamily, gazing at the back of Ashleigh's head as she spoke with Minerva, completely unaware of what was going on behind her.

"Horace?" Orlanda asked, catching the gaze directed at her friend with no small amount of shock.

"..." The potions professor didn't bother to answer her as he continued to stare at his former student in a daze.

The other professors were all rather alarmed at what was transpiring before their eyes.

"She's, like, 24!" Aaron sputtered. "What's gotten into him? The guy is somewhere around 80!"

"This can't even be_ legal_," Hayden Abridge, the 27 year old Astronomy professor, pointed out desperately in an attempt to inject some reasoning into the topic.

Those who heard couldn't help but agree as a bit of drool dripped from the potions professor's gaping mouth.

"You're so _pretty_ in this candlelight..." Slughorn sighed at the Defense professor.

You would think he had announced that he was really a duck in disguise by the way the Hall stopped whatever they were doing so suddenly. The professors and students all stared at Horace with expressions of mixed disbelief and horror that would have been amusing if the situation had not been so serious.

Ashleigh visibly jumped at being addressed in such a manor, and turned in her seat to stare at Slughorn.

"Excuse me?" she demanded of the man.

"Ashleigh, you're the most beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated women I have ever met!" Slughorn suddenly blurted out, seizing her hand, much to the horror of his colleagues.

Ashleigh seemed too shocked to string two words together, so she seemed to settle for one.

**"HUH?"**

"Yes!" Slughorn confessed, easily ignoring the various reactions from the students and other professors. "I've loved you ever since you first walked into the Great Hall in your first year!"

Here, Minerva gasped in shock, and Hayden gaped stupidly.

"This is_ insane_!" Orlanda hissed. Horace continued to rant.

"I watched your ever move as your name was called to be placed in a house!" Horace declared, causing another round of shocks to circulate the Great Hall. "Your sorting lasted exactly 1 minute and 45 seconds, before the sorting hat announced you to be a Slytherin-"

**"STOP THE MADNESS!"** Ashleigh bellowed, finally finding her vocal cords.

"It's far too late for that!" Lily Evans gasped from the Gryffindor table.

"Lily is right!" Slughorn suddenly screamed, pulling Ashleigh closer. "I'm far _past_ madly in love with you-!"

"No! You're just plain _mad_!" the brunette insisted.

Then out of nowhere, or maybe somewhere, but let's not go there, Slughorn kissed her passionately.

Immediately, all hell broke loose.

**XXXX**

**Location: Gryffindor Table**

**Mood: Chaos**

**XXXX**

All over the Great Hall, pandemonium reigned.

Gryffindor Table was no exception. A far cry from it; this was one of the loudest tables in the hall; seconded only by the Head's.

"**WHAT THE HELL! I THOUGHT SHE HAD THE HOTTS FOR _ME_**!" Sirius howled.

"Padfoot, you _did_ this!" Remus protested.

"Yeah! But I didn't think they would _KISS_!" the Animagus roared.

"You put a _love potion_ in that prat's goblet, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but I still didn't think they would _KISS_!"

"**WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EXPECT TO HAPPEN?"** Remus screeched.

"Um... I didn't think that far ahead." Sirius admitted.

"**IT HAS GOT TO BE A BLOODY _CRIME_ TO BE AS STUPID AS YOU**!" Remus yelled.

"A crime that not even _Voldemort_ would be willing to commit!" James added, trying to sound irritable. It was hard to do properly when your professors are shouting hysterically at each other, and your Defense professor is hexing the living hell out of your potions professor.

James had never liked him anyways.

"But they **_KISSED_**!" Sirius was trying to make Remus understand.

"**You gave him a _LOVE POTION_**!" Remus screamed into his friend's ear.

"You did _what now_?"

The three Marauders whirled around, only to come face to face with Lily, Aurora, Sasha and Natasha.

"Hey, all." Sirius said in a small voice, trying his best not to look into any of the furious females' eyes.

"**SIRIUS BLACK! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" ** Aurora demanded of her boyfriend.

"What makes you think I have anything to do with this?" the accused objected.

"Your name_ is_ 'Sirius Black', isn't it?" Lily snarled.

"Only on days ending in -y." Padfoot answered cheekily.

"**THIS IS NOT A GAME**!" Aurora yelled at him.

"Of course it is! And a very fun one to play, too!"

"**SIRIUS**!"

Eventually, after Ashleigh had gotten a few good hexes to land on her former professor and a slap across the face for good measure, Dumbledore sent them all off to bed.

Suspiciously, not too many of the professors looked at all heart broken at Ashleigh's actions. In fact, later in the common room, many students would swear that they saw their Herbology professor, Rico Oceana, shake the defense professor's hand enthusiastically after the feast. More then one of the Hufflepuffs claimed that they heard Silvers being asked out by Abridge as they made their way to the basement. Meanwhile, the Slytherin students were insisting that they had passed a broom cupboard on their way to the dungeons that was shaking as though something was making out inside.

When the Ravenclaws reasoned that this could have been just a Bogart, a Slytherin 4th year named Alfred Simons demanded to know that if this _was_ the case, then did _all_ Bogarts moan and make kissing sounds when they were hiding?

Unsurprising, no one felt particularly compelled to answer this question, but either way, the next morning, both accused professors looked rather disheveled...

* * *

Well, there it is! Sorry for the long wait! It nearly killed me to write a few of those mushy sentences, but I held my breath. I really was supposed to update **Redemption: Second Chances **_first_, but you guys won on the 'Who-am-I-more-afraid-will-kill-me-if-I-do-not-update' battle. Hope you like!


	9. In Which Voldie Educates Pt 1

OMG! Yes, I'm alive! 0.o There is a _really_ good explanation as to why I haven't updated in approximately a year (gulps). I wrote it all out and everything, but then I realized any words that I have to say that are _not_ posts will only make things worse. So I moved my speech and review replies to the botom XD. So without any further ado, I present the fabled, legendary, mythical, imaginary Chapter 9:

**Chapter 9: In Which Voldie Educates Pt. 1**

**Disclaimer** : A human being owns the concept of Harry Potter, right? So I figure, since we're all related under the skin, then that means my brother/sister owns HP…and Mom always taught us to share, so… they might not be mine, but I can play with them! w00t w00t!

* * *

Far away, in a location that is distant, a man with an interesting name cackled. 

"_Wormtail_-? What kind of dim-witted name is _that_!?" a snake-like man hooted, conveniently forgetting that his own name sounded like some kind of wart remover.

"It wasn't _my_ idea-!"

"CRUCIO!" Voldie cackled gleefully, holding the curse as he continued to address the screaming man. "I have decided that this name is the most degrading thing I can call you, and so this is how I shall address you… Wormtail… Bwahha. BWAHHAAA!" His laughter merged with the screams as the surrounding Death Gobblers wondered if they, too, should join in.

**After awhile…**

"ENOUGH!" the Dork Lord roared, lifting the curse, causing Wormtail to slump forward. "Your screams have irked me…"

"His screams have irked me as well, my Lord," random Death Chomper 76 simpered, hoping to gain Voldie's favor.

"CRUCIO!" Voldemort exclaimed.

"Gahh!"

"What if Professor Dumbledore catches us?" an inexperienced Death Eater cowered.

"I am more powerful then Dumbledore!" Voldie claimed. "Besides, Dumbledore leads the light. Even if they caught you, what's the worst that they would do to a sixteen year old still in school?"

"I missed detention with Filch to be here," the student whimpered.

Voldemort opened and closed his mouth several times, attempting to assemble a witty response, and smirked as he found just such a clever retort.

"CRUCIO!"

"Gahh!"

"…my Lord?"

"WHATTT!?" Voldie demanded, peeved that his fun had been hindered.

By Wormtail.

_Again_!

Curses.

Literally, if he didn't deem this matter worthy of his attention; he told the boy as much, and received a whimper in response. Heartened (or lacking one), Voldemort eyed the cowed student beadily.

"I have brought the magical-communication-device-which-is-magical-and-not-muggle-because-I-am-a-closet-halfblood-but-my-idiot-followers-must-not-know-this-and-so-all-these-hyphans-shall-confuse-them-so-much-that-no-one-will-have-any-idea-what-I-am-really-saying," Wormtail squeaked nervously, offering up a golden telephone on an important-looking pillow.

"Finally!" Voldie exclaimed. Casting a glare around, the Death Eaters quickly took the initiative, and fled the room. "Now, we shall see…"

And so he dialed.

* * *

Albus chuckled in amusement as he watched, threw his video camera hidden in the eye of the gargoyle sentinel outside his office, Magpie Squirrel, the rather batty Minister of Magic, sputtering angrily at the stone object. 

"Lemon Drop? Cockroach Cluster? Oh, open up you stupid thing!" the Minister blustered, kicking the base of the guardian. Though this achieved a swollen toe on the man's part, sadly, for him anyway, nothing else happened.

"Do you know who I am!?" Squirrel switched tactics: the gargoyle didn't reply. "I'm the Minister of Magic, and as such, I demanded that you allow me entrance, or I'll have you sent on a one-way boat to Azkaban!"

Dumbledore chuckled merrily, only stopping as his Floo suddenly lit up, revealing the head of the Arithmancy Professor, Aaron Heldings.

"Aaron, my boy!" Albus smiled benevolently. "How is the betting pool coming?"

"Bad business, Albus, very bad business," the Professor said seriously, stepping out of the fireplace and brushing soot off his robes.

"What's wrong?" the Headmaster asked in morbid curiosity.

"Albus, I don't know how to tell you this," Aaron hedged.

"Say it, my boy."

The Arithmancy professor mumbled something indistinguishable beneath his breath.

Dumbles blinked. "… I fear I did not understand a word of that."

Heldings took a deep breath, and broke the news.

"Albus, I'm sorry… you cannot bet Lemon Drops."

Dumbledore looked reasonably shocked. "But- but, my _dear_ _boy_, they-"

"I know, I know, Albus," Heldings sighed. "I've tried to make Ashleigh see reason, but, _well_-"

_Briiing! Briiing!_

Dumbledore picked up his pink, fluffy phone. "Hello?"

"_Hello, Dumbledore,"_ the voice on the other end said.

"Tom?" Albus exclaimed, shocked. "How did you get my number!?"

"_The Phone Book," _Tom lied. _"Can I teach Defense Against the Dark Arts?"_

"No," Albus replied pleasantly, hanging up and turning his attention back to a more pressing problem. "Now-"

_Briiing! Briiing!_

Dumbledore sighed, and picked answered the fluffy thing once more. "Hello?"

"_Please?"_

"Okay," Dumbles agreed.

"Really?"

"APRIL FOOL!" the bearded wizard howled into the device, slamming it onto its cradle, and laughing hysterically. Suddenly the floo lit up.

"Please?" Voldie's head said.

Albus thought about it. "Okay."

"Thanks!" Tom disappeared.

Aaron blinked. "What about Ashleigh?"

"She is suspended," Dumbledore said sadly.

Aaron was surprised: "Really?"

"Yes," the older man nodded impressively. "She is obviously overworked if she is claiming that it is unacceptable to bet _lemon drops_…"

* * *

Well, that's what I came up with as an apology gift. My ideas just don't seem that good to me anymore, so I had no idea what to write! But then, I was looking at my stories in my profile one day, and imagine my astonishment when I noticed that it had been nearly a _year_ since I last written! I thought to myself, "_that just won't do!"_ So I tried to rope my old co-conspirer, I was a Teenage Flobberworm into the stories again, (actually, she changed her username XP) but she said she was sorry, but couldn't and that she has to think about school now and didn't have time anymore! The whole thing brought me to one big epiphany, my friends. A revelation, if you will: 

Life sucks.

Oh well! She wished me luck, I got a new beta, Kissing Claire: life goes on. Anyhow, I know you don't want excuses, but Claire advised me not to approach any of my 'crazed groupies' (as my former beta was so fond of calling you all) (wink) lest they allow their happiness turn to sadism for my waiting to update. Lets all have a hand for Claire! Wheeeewww! (cheers)

Please review! To rant, to mercilessly attack me with evil objects, anything at all! (Bursts into tears) I just want some sign that you're still there! I'M SO SORRY!... On a lighter note: here is our favorite Dork Lord's attempt at the DADA job… Let's see how he does… XD

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Review Answering Time!!! 

**LandUnderWave**: Thank you, thank you! I'm glad people are taking sides! (_cackles_)

**danisp**: (_stares at __**danisp **__boldly_) I'm not afraid of you! (_Reviewers sharpen needles_) Err, okay (_retreats to keyboard_) I'm a _little_ afraid of you... I'm going to get going now...

**magicgirl557**: (_grins_) I take pride in my randomness! Update headed your way!

**Pappy's Girl:** Thanks; I shall!

**krazisoapluvnreject**: Thank you! The serious/Sirius pun is a legend in my part of the world. I do not claim ownership at all!

**brona:** (_looks scared_) you're another one that I'm very afraid of. But, I do have to stop and say, your Randomness makes me proud! Glad you love this!

**Pip-2250**: (_cackles_) so, you caught on! I was wondering if anyone got what was really happening in that last scene! Bravo to you! Yeah, poor Ashleigh indeed! Slughorn nearly got himself castrated, but hey! And everyone loves Sirius, so he's always fun to play around with.

**Sogno di Felicita**: (_snickers_) I loved to get one over on Slughorn. Goodness knows we were all dieing to in the 6th book! And anyone can do this with other characters if they want. Just as long as I know about it beforehand so I don't triple flip when I see it for the first time, and they don't copy/paste from me or anything.

**booboobubbles**: Gotcha covered!

**imagine i was a star**: That was you? Yo to da people! Bettlejuice? What's that? TAKE ME WITH YOU! Cool new name, by the way. (**Tedd.E.Bare**_ looks scary-er then_ **technically grounded**) _(is very scared)_ umm... _(laughs nervously)_ I'm going to go post now!_ (runs away)_

**marauderette92**: Yeah! People like it! Thanks all!

**Shang Warrior Phoenix**: Thanks! I try!

**Luna Moonlight Fawn**: Something... _Random;_ that you can be sure. (_Smirks evilly and twirls wand in hand_) I'm updating as quick as I can, and it's great to see that you all love it enough to kill me over it! ... Or maybe that isn't so good after all...

**The Stars Shine brightly**: (_Hides behind_** technically grounded**) Okay, I can safely say that you are the one who scares me the most. I mean, _COME ON_! The person is threatening me with _broccoli_! That is just plain evil! You should get together with Voldemort some time... Do me a favor, and read out a few of those lines in the List from my profile to him, and say that his Master says 'Fear Me'.

**xXblacksakuraXxakuraXx**: Oh; how's it confusing? How the Professors are acting or the students?

**evilone33**: That's a GREAT idea! Expect it soon! Lily and James evilness coming up! I'm trying to spread out the misery

**horseluvr4evr**: Update your way!

**szabatka2**: _(cackles)_ thank you! I assure you that I'm not going to write any more FFs until the two that I have going are done, and done right! (Looks scared) Besides... I'm still really afraid of **technically grounded **right now _(giggles nervously as Beta glares)._

**Lily x James 4 eva**: Well, who am I to deny you that knowledge! Updating right now! _(Salutes)._

**banana-hater**: I guess I'm just nuts that way! (lol) As for longer periods of suffering? (_smirks)_ Who said it was over? _(cackles happily)_

**Hazel eyed stag**: Erm... (_scratches head_) good question! A _clever_ question that demands an _equally clever_ answer... And that answer is... BECAUSE I SAID SO! Mahwah! (Cackles evilly as reviewers shake heads in disbelief) No? Okay, how about any of these: He lost a bet? He was drunk when he arranged his classes? It's a graduation requirement? I tricked him into it? I have a million of 'em; each as unlikely as the next!

**Ano. Nymous:** Ew, I know, right!? XD

**story-angel**: LOLZ! That is a high compliment in my book! BWAHHAAA!

**Susie:** OMG! I am so glad that other ppl are reading this even though I was … (cough) in dispose for awhile! No plan for now. I'm just trying to update my stories for now! XP

**Tortall gal:** AHHHHHHH! NO! I don't know how to dance! TT

**munchkin1991:** (groans) We're even then. I haven't updated for far too long. I'm half expecting no one to still be reading this ff… XP

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	10. Why Can’t a Seer…

**munchkin1991:** Poe—I MEAN! munchkin1991! My good reviewing friend, it is fabulous to see that you're sticking it out with me (0.o someone arrest me for that horrible rhyme QUICK! XP) Thanks for the review! I'm going to try to update quicker (because, lets face it, I deserve to be tarred and feathered for how slow I've been going XP), though school is starting soon, and I would like to reserve that as a future alibi… 0.o

**Lady Ormis:** GAH, NO:O Keep them _back_! I'm _allergic_! T-T

**evilone33:** Lol, no copyrights attached! XD And you know how Dumbles never tells Harry the password when he wants to see him in his office? Like, not once does he say:O I'm strongly suspecting a conspiracy, here! . But… let's not tell good old Dumbles, eh? (Nervous laugh) He may be senile, but the man knows how to use a wand. 0.0

**R2-D2106:** Well, I may just have to hook you in, then:D

**Susie:** You humble me! ME! A mere procrastinator, with your kind words… T-T I think I'm gunna cry!

**Courage Sun:** OMG, thank you for this great, long, _awesome_ review! And can't you just _imagine_ Dumbles holding that fluffy telephone? . I can… (Shudders) Anyway, thanks to you and Dobby for that _great_ review! It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! ;) Like a squirrel! O.o Hurray, squirrels:D

**maraudersGIRL92:** I do love my craziness… XD when it isn't getting me into _too_ much trouble! (Gasp) I'VE SAID TOO MUCH!

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You guys _rock_! Thanks for the reviews and/or various signs of life:D Now, whoever gives Kissing Claire (my beta) the best shout-out in their review for this chapter gets a hug from one of the characters! YOU CAN PICK WHICH ONE:O 

**Beta:** Thanks to Kissing Claire!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, _or_ any associated characters. But I have these lovely parting gifts…

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**Chapter 10: Why Can't a Seer… See Their Own Demise Coming?**

_Divination was a fascinating class, really…_

"Oh man, Prongs! This class is going to be a guaranteed Outstanding on our NEWTs!" Sirius hooted, as the Marauders made their way to the tower in which the aforementioned class was taught in.

_It was full of intellectual epiphanies…_

"Yeah, and the old bag that teaches it is good for a laugh, right Moony?" James nudged his Werewolf friend in the ribs playfully.

_As well as amazing insight into the future_—**oh, just forget it!**

"She's full of hot air," Remus observed, panting as he climbed the last rungs of the golden latter to the classroom, and proceeded to sit down at a random desk. "Full of hot air, so, since heat rises, of _course_ she had to teach in the highest bloody room of the highest bloody tower!"

"Greetings, my dears!" a voice suddenly cried directly behind Sirius, who fell from his seat in surprise, causing the class to snicker.

The glittering form of Professor Shoal Shores immerged from a cloud of pink smoke like some kind of mad magician. Dressed in eccentric robes that would make the Headmaster's _twinkle_ in envy, the bushy head of Professor Shores gazed significantly around at them all.

"Welcome to Divination! The noble study which was pursued tirelessly by the great Trojans of-"

"Didn't those blokes lose?" Sirius wondered aloud. The next thing the dog animagus knew he was flat on the floor- his stool having been knocked out from underneath him.

"I'm sorry, dear? Did you say something?" Shoal asked sweetly.

"Ouch." was the young man's eloquent response.

"Right then!" the Professor continued cheerfully, stepping over her fallen student. "We shall begin with the reading of our tea dregs! Everyone grab a cup from the shelf, and fill it with tea from one of those pots-" she pointed them out "- and begin your quest into the future!" she declared dramatically. As the students edged nervously away from the crazed professor, Shoal suddenly called out to one of them.

"Mr. Potter! When you have broken your first teacup, please select a yellow one! I'm rather fond of the purple with pink poke-a-dots," she revealed. James gave her a strange look.

"I'll do that, Professor Shores," he replied slowly, taking a blue teacup from the cabinet. Determined to prove the old fraud wrong, James took extra care not to damage the cup in any way.

Meanwhile, Shoal Shores watched on in annoyance. If James got to his seat without breaking the teacup, people might realize that divination is a load of crap!

But, we can't have _that_, now, can we?

Plucking out her wand triumphantly in light of her own cleverness, she threw a trip-jinx his way, and nearly giggled in delight as Potter fell flat on his face. The professor's frown returned, however, when she realize that, somehow, the teacup had remained intact!

But, we can't have _that_ either, now, **can we**?

Throwing a _reducto_ hex at it, the persistent blue piece of porcelain finally smashed spectacularly on the floor. Preening in her success, the professor gave the disbelieving James a matter-of-fact look as he got shakily to his feet.

"I believe I said a pink one, yes?" she prompted, looking superior as she waited for the admiration that was inevitable after such a revelation of her clairvoyant-ness. James sputtered.

"B-but you just-!" he was cut short, just as Sirius had, as he was again tripped...

...While he wasn't even moving...

"Did you say something, dear?" The messy-haired Gryffindor suddenly remember a piece of advice an elderly women gave to her child when she first met Sirius.

Smile, nod, and back away.

And that's just what he did.

"Now, let's get started!" the professor suggested. "Potter! Give me your cup!"

"I haven't drunk the-" James protested before being cut off.

"That's okay, we get the point." Shoal waved it off dismissively, throwing the un-drunk liquid over her shoulder and onto a now very soggy Lucius Malfoy. "Now! Let us examine your future! Examine, NOW, Mr. Black!" she demanded, thrusting the cup into a startled Sirius' hands.

"Erm, okay... Well, it looks sort of like a... Moose-"

"A Moose!" Professors parroted.

"A Moose." Sirius confirmed. "And that's supposed to mean... um... Hunger?"

"Was that a question or a reading, Black?" the professor asked dryly. Sirius blinked.

"...Um... Both?"

"Give me the cup!" Shoal exasperate-ed. It was so hard to find good fraud—I MEAN, _Seers_ these days…

"What does it say, professor?" Pedro Patil inquired attentively.

"It says… you and Lily Evans should get together," Shoal said quickly, nodding to herself.

"Yes!" James exclaimed, deciding that this was his new favorite class.

"YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!" Alice howled from her seat.

Before Shoal could retort, Octavos Lovegood suddenly commented, "Did you know that every time you say you don't believe in divination, a seer perishes?" He sighed dreamily as the bell rang, and drifted out of the room, leaving the class to contemplate this new method of getting a different teacher.

As the students cleared out, there was a dull thump that went unnoticed by many.

**Location: Headmaster's Office**

**Mood: Lemon-y (yum!)**

Meanwhile, several floors below, Albus Dumbledore sucked thoughtfully on a lemon drop, contemplating just how to go about informing Ashleigh of her—ehem—_vacation_. As he reached for yet another of the flavorsome yellow treats, his we're-a-teacher-short-sense went off.

"I do believe we are a teacher short," Albus informed a large scarlet bird perched near his desk, his eyes twinkling away.

"Twitter," the swan-like bird said seriously. (Translation: You're a barmy old man with fairy lights where his brain 'ought to be.)

"Perhaps I should put an advertisement in the Daily Prophet?" the headmaster mused, unaware of the verbal abuse his pet was spouting.

"Chirp," the phoenix offered. (Translation: Did I mention that you have no dress sense, and those robes make you look like a fool?)

"Possibly a want ad in the Quibbler would be wise as well," Albus twinkled.

"Tweet," the avian revealed. (It was me who flushed your lemon drops down the toilet last week, and I went to the bathroom in your tea while you weren't looking a minute ago.)

"Perhaps even witch weekly?"

"Peep." (I never liked you. I wish I were bound to Voldemort.)

Dumbles paused. "You know, I'm glad we had this chat, my old friend." He smiled serenely at the demon-phoenix, took a sip of tea, and then lowered it thoughtfully. "What an interesting flavor," he observed in delight. He took another swing from the goblet, not noticing the demon-bird bash its head repeatedly against the nearest wall.

"Squawk!" (You can't win with this guy!)

A knock on the door disturbed the bird's lament as, without waiting for an invitation, Professor Griffen entered the office.

"You rang?" she drawled sarcastically.

"Ah, Ashleigh! We must, _have words_," Albus declared dramatically.

"…"

"…"

"… WHAT IS IT, DAMMIT!?" she exclaimed impatiently when Albus looked content to leave the statement hanging.

"You're fired!" Albus exclaimed, jumping from his seat, and pointing impressively.

"WHAT!?!" she shrieked. "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME! **I QUIT**!"

"Forgive me," Albus corrected himself, looking embarrassed and seating himself once more. "I've always wanted to say that… What was I talking about again?"

"You have successfully wasted one hundred and fifty four seconds of my life," Ashleigh informed him with false calm.

"Oh! Lovely!" Albus cackled, mentally checking off another item on his itinerary. "Well, you see… I have a _mission_ for you…"

Cue the cackling… _NOW_!

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